What If
by Gwinny
Summary: Instead of Gwen returning with Arthur to Camelot to battle Morgana she left once more, Arthur follows her back to Ealdor to prove to her that he is worthy of her love. And little by little Gwen begins to find that love never dies... AU.
1. Chapter 1

It was nearing noon on another hot sunny day in Camelot when Merlin walked down the hall to Arthur's chambers. Stopping outside the door he drew a breath and with a grimace readied himself to enter Arthur's chambers.

He sincerely hoped that Arthur would prove to be in a better mood. He could not be certain as Arthur had been in a vile mood ever since they had won the battle against Helios and Morgana. At first Merlin believed that Arthur was angry and upset as a result of the betrayal of Morgana but it quickly became apparent that this was not what Arthur was angry over.

Merlin knocked on the door and was greeted with an abrupt, 'come!'

Merlin walked in and found Arthur sat on his bed, head downcast, turning the ring he'd given Gwen in his hands.

'Arthur you can't go on like this, your people need you.'

'Go on like what?' Arthur said daring Merlin to go on.

'Go on sulking, what is the matter with you?'

'Nothing,' Arthur said sharply.

'Arthur something is bothering you, people are worried about you, and I'm worried about you. Your mood is affecting everyone and you need to tell me what the problem is.'

Both men fell silent and Arthur returned to spinning Gwen's ring between his fingers again and again. Finally Arthur spoke, 'when we arrived in Ealdor I was so happy and relieved to see Guinevere but when we ran into the forest I spoke harshly to her and she disappeared. Now will you leave me alone?'

'What did you say to her?'

Arthur sighed, 'She tried to speak to me in her usual sweet way and I snapped at her. I told her the night before didn't change anything. That I could never forgive her for betraying me, then I could see the tears in her lovely eyes and I turned away from her. The next time I looked for her she was gone.'

'Arthur, Gwen loves you, truly and deeply loves you and you've pushed her away, again.'

'She betrayed me!' Arthur said bitterly. 'Let us not forget that she kissed Lancelot.'

'I know but you also kissed Viven and Gwen had to watch you say you loved Viven.'

'But I was enchanted!'

'So? It still hurt Gwen and she forgave you. Did you ever wonder why Gwen suddenly turned to Lancelot? Maybe she too was enchanted.'

Arthur stared at him, 'when I demanded an explanation from her Guinevere said she couldn't explain.'

'Why didn't you listen to her? Why didn't you stop and think?'

'I was too angry at the time. I felt so lost without her, and when I saw her at Ealdor I was delighted and I could tell she was happy to see me as well. But I couldn't bear having her near me knowing what she had done so I thought to push her away would be for the best.'

'What? You love her but you pushed her away?' asked Merlin.

'What else could I do? I couldn't forgive her and even if I could would she be able to forgive me and return to Camelot?'

'You could go and find her and tell her how you feel. Perhaps she could forgive you, after all she's forgiven you so many times before, but you'll never know unless you make the effort. It's not as if she can come to you, lest she be executed. You cannot expect her just to appear in Camelot asking for forgiveness.'

'You don't understand. I've accepted that I'll never see her again.' Arthur said feeling a wrenching pain inside him. 'How do I ask her to forgive me? I've threatened her with execution, banished her and as good as told her that I don't love her anymore. I think she'd be right to refuse me. I don't deserve her love.'

'Maybe you're right but Gwen does deserve yours. Do you really never want to see her again? Think about what I said,' Merlin said turning away and leaving the room.

Arthur stared unseeingly out the window and wondered if he could go through life without Guinevere. He spun the ring through his fingers again, wondering what he should do.


	2. Chapter 2

Camelot's knights anxiously awaited the arrival of Merlin in the armory, hopeful he would have some insight for them on their King's foul temper. When he finally arrived, they all spoke at one. "Did he tell you anything?" "What did he say?" "Is it about Gwen?"

"Hello to you, too, I did get him to talk, and it was as we suspected."

"So it is about Gwen?" Elyan questioned.

"What is about Gwen?" asked Arthur from the entrance.

They all flinched as a group. "Oh we were just talking about her house." Merlin improvised on the spot knowing that Arthur had forbidden them to speak her name. Arthur raised an eyebrow in response as he knew that the knights were worried about him and his moods.

"Do you not have anything better to do, Merlin? Or do you need to clean out the stables again?"

"Arthur!" Gwaine spoke out. "You need to snap out of this sulk and do what you need to do."

"You dare speak out against me? Do you want to join Guinevere in banishment?"

"It would be better than staying here with you in a girlish sulk!" Gwaine responded. "Why don't you join Gwen? Sort out your problems and speak to her."

Everyone thought that Gwaine had gone too far but Arthur remained silent glaring at Gwaine as if wondering how he could punish him for his outspoken words. "I won't accept anymore talk on the matter. Now I'm going to training and I expect the rest of you in 5 minutes with your mouths shut."

The knights watched Arthur leave, wondering if he would ever think to talk to Gwen and sort out what had happened between them.

Resigned to his fate of cleaning out the stables an hour after he'd already performed the task, Merlin was asked to return to Arthur's chambers after training, although he didn't relish the prospect he followed the request. He was still worried about Arthur and felt it was his place to listen to him and try to help him get back to Gwen. After all Arthur was fated to marry Gwen and Merlin didn't know whether he had to play a role in their reunion but he was hoping Arthur would act before he had to. After entering the room, he found Arthur writing.

Without looking up, Arthur said, "Merlin, you know where Gwen is don't you? I need to find her."

"Why should I tell you? You've hurt her so much you need to promise you will listen to her."

"Merlin!"

"She's my friend; I had to watch her cry as she pulled her cart from Camelot. I don't want to see her abandoned again. I don't think she can take that hurt again."

"I can't promise that I'll never hurt her again but I want a chance to listen to her and regain her trust. You were right she does deserve my love and I should have had more trust in her. Guinevere was always honest and true."

"She's with my mother in Ealdor."

"We ride for Ealdor in the morning. Oh and Merlin thank your mother for taking care of Guinevere."

Merlin bowed to Arthur pleased at his words and appreciation for his mother. It was rare for Arthur to thank anyone and for him to say thank you to him, made him smile.

A month after the battle for Camelot, Ealdor had settled back into the normal and quiet village it was. The excitement of King Arthur and his knights retreating to Ealdor readying to battle Morgana had waned, the children still pretended to be knights and fight with wooden swords. Gwen was thankful for the quietness and normality the village provided, and could she have had some of her friends with her, everything would be perfect.

Hunith, Merlin's mother, had received an urgent letter which she had received and read with pleasure. The letter had been from Merlin informing her that Merlin was coming to visit in a day or two. Hunith was happy as she shared the news.

Gwen didn't know what to make of the news, she was happy that Merlin was coming, but found herself wondering whether Arthur would join him. Would he come to express his regrets in not forgiving her? When she remember what had happened between her and Lancelot, she was full or regret but when she considered how Arthur refused to listen to her before he had condemned her, her anger returned to him, and how betrayed she'd felt when all his words of love had obviously been hollow.

She did not think it likely that she would see him again, except perhaps if he was ever in the kingdom. He would move on, marry and have children with another woman. Therefore, it took her completely by surprise when Merlin arrived four days later with Arthur. She settled down on a chair and picked up her needlework determined to appear composed and content with her life in Ealdor. On Merlin and Arthur's entrance, Gwen kept her eyes locked on her needlework, and without betraying her inner turmoil said hello to them both.

"Hello Gwen, I'm so happy to see you!" Merlin spoke with his usual enthusiasm and wrapped her in a tight hug.

"Hello Merlin, it's nice to see you as well. I hope all is well with you." she replied, she couldn't force herself to say the words _I hope all is well in Camelot._ It would bring her to tears to remember the home she was forever forbidden from.

The room fell silent as Gwen returned to her needlework. "Guinevere, I'm also happy to see you." Arthur broke the silence and with all her courage Gwen forced herself to look up at him, seeing that he was as nervous as she was at this meeting. She put down her needlework and determined to be at least civil with him.

"I hope all is well in Camelot and that Morgana has stayed away." Gwen responded trying to find a neutral subject.

"Yes, everything is fine and Morgana has kept away for now." Silence once again fell in the room and Arthur cursed himself for not being able to express how he really felt upon seeing Guinevere again. He had done quite well and admired the fact that Guinevere appeared calm but the shaking of her hands revealed how uncomfortable she was with him.

"I'm glad that everything is well in the kingdom, but I enjoy the peacefulness and calm here." Arthur knew she was making a pointed remark at how different and happy she was without the fast pace of Camelot and how happy she was without him.

Gwen was startled to find that Hunith and Merlin had long retreated from the room, probably not wishing to get caught in the conflict. She was glad of it; she didn't want them having to feel that they needed to take sides.

"Guinevere, I wondered if you would give me an opportunity to talk with you, and listen to your point of view on what happened between us."

Gwen was taken aback by Arthur's request to speak, but she was pleased to know that he realized that he should listen to her; it made her hopeful that his character had changed. She was far from certain about whether she should give him an opportunity, whether she should give him a chance. However, she could not see any reason to refuse him if he was willing to listen to her. "I would be glad to talk to you, but you have to listen to what I have to say."

Arthur had noticed her hesitation in agreeing to speak to him, and though disappointed, reminded himself that he would have to be patient and take it very slowly in rebuilding a new relationship with her. He wanted this to be successful, he wanted Guinevere back, but he would have to be careful not to rush her. He had managed to remain calm and had promised himself to tread carefully but when he walked into the room and saw her, with her beautiful eyes cast away from him and her curls tumbled down her shoulders, he was immediately seized with need for her affection, and prepared to do whatever it took to earn back her trust and love.

"How long do you plan on staying in Ealdor?" she asked, and then quickly realized that her question might sound like she wanted him gone as soon as possible.

'As long as it takes." Arthur responded mysteriously with his thoughts realizing that he might have given away his plan with those words. "That is to say, however long Merlin wants to stay."

"Well, that is nice, in two weeks I'm going to be moving to Mercia as I've been offered a position as a lady's maid," she replied, relieved that she would be leaving him if he planned to stay longer than that.

_That only gives me two weeks,_ he thought. _Enough time to earn back her love, if everything goes well. _

Merlin returned to the house with his mother, and Hunith invited them to stay with her.

"We wouldn't want to intrude on your hospitality," Arthur said, "there is only enough room for you and Guinevere and I don't want to force you out of your home. We already have rooms at the inn."

Hunith looked relieved at his words, as she'd been wondering whether Gwen would panic with Arthur under the same roof as him. The men both went away leaving Gwen and Hunith puzzling over Arthur's gracious and polite manner.

"Perhaps he regrets the way he treated you, and is here to ask for your forgiveness," Hunith spoke, clearly guessing at Gwen's thoughts. "Hopefully he will be as pleasant and kind the whole time he is here."

A/N: I was watching a repeat of the first episode of series 5 of Doctor Who and realized that one of the actors in it was Tom Hopper (Percival) nearly all of the cast of Merlin have been in Doctor Who. Richard, Anthony, Angel, Colin, Georgia and Tom have all been in Doctor Who.


	3. Chapter 3

As soon as they left, Gwen walked to the forest, her favourite place, to think about the past she didn't want to dwell on. She wondered why Arthur had come, at first she believed it was to accompany Merlin, but in her heart she knew it was because of her. How could a man who had been so unforgiving bring himself to see her? His polite and careful manner seemed to suggest that he was trying to earn her trust back, but she didn't trust her feelings anymore and didn't know what to think.

She was glad to see him, of course, but she had resigned herself to her fate. But was his appearance a reason to hope that he'd changed? That remained to be seen.

She was determined to remain calm and detached until she understood his motives, but this proved difficult for more than 5 minutes, as thoughts of him kept distracting her.

She had managed to keep her place in the forest secret but two days later Arthur walked through the forest to find her there. At first, she saw him coming and unable to avoid him, she told herself to remain calm but she felt her heart race and her cheeks grow warm as he strode towards her.

"Hello Arthur," she said quietly still not comfortable with him back in her life.

"Guinevere, I'm glad I found you here. I wish to talk to you." He paused as if summoning up the courage to speak the next words. "I wish to talk to you about what happened between us in Camelot."

Gwen felt a tide of emotion wash over her. _I don't know what to say, that I'm sorry I can't remember what happened, scream at him, or demand an apology. _"Okay, but on one condition, that you listen to what I say before you condemn me.'

Arthur could see she was upset and frightened that he would turn away from her again. "Guinevere, I know this is painful and I've never regretted anything more than what I said and did to you. I need to hear your side and I promise I will listen to you."

Gwen felt her heart soar at his words he was going to listen to her! Gwen looked up at him with a smile. "Well you better sit down Arthur," she patted the side of the tree she was sitting on.

"Arthur when you asked me to marry you; I was overjoyed and filled with happiness. I'd waited for that day for years and was counting down the days until I was bound to you." Gwen paused to let her words sink in. "Suddenly Lancelot came back and while I was happy he was alive that was as far as my feelings for him went. He tried to become closer to me but I sent him away, it was you I loved who had always loved. The next day Lancelot came to my house again, this time with a gift, a bracelet. As soon as he placed the bracelet on me I was inexplicably drawn to him. I knew that I shouldn't have been with him but I couldn't resist him. When you caught us kissing I was mortified I knew in my mind I was doing wrong but I couldn't control myself. Once I was put in the dungeon I flung off the bracelet and the world became clear and I was so ashamed.

When I was brought up from the dungeon to face you I couldn't explain why I'd kissed Lancelot because I didn't understand it myself. The only thing that I did understand was my love for you. I was stunned that Agravaine suggested I be executed! But then you banished me. After all the times I'd forgiven you, I made one mistake that I wasn't able to control and you banished me!"

She fell silent and it told him more about her hurt than any of her words could, and that his hopes of forgiveness were in vain. Sick at heart, he said, "Guinevere, it broke my heart to turn you away. To turn you out of Camelot, away from your friends and your family. I wouldn't let your name be spoken I couldn't eat or sleep for thinking of you. But my greatest sin was in turning you away once more when you showed love and loyalty to me."

Gwen was surprised by the strength of his feelings. To have him admit that he'd made a mistake was astounding.

"Guinevere," he said turning, taking her petite hands in his, "I'm so sorry for not listening to you. Instead of raging at you I should've listened. I was so angry I forgot your love and kindness." His gaze rested on her waiting for a reaction.

"I'm glad to hear that you're not afraid to admit your mistakes."

"Guinevere," he said in a serious tone, "perhaps we could start again. When we first began our relationship we had to do it in secret and could never really get to know each other. Perhaps this time we could get to know each other better and not hide our feelings." _If she refuses, I don't know what I'll do. I so desperately need her back, _he thought waiting impatiently for her response.

Gwen was aware of the significance of his words, but was unsure what her response should be. She was relieved that the truth had prevailed and that he believed her. She was also pleased by the openness of his feelings and apology. But did she wish for a new relationship? She could see the strength of Arthur's feelings for her but she didn't want him to gain false hope of her returning to him; yet refusing him when he'd come all this way would be cruel, and she was appreciative that he was more open with his feelings than she realized. Looking at him, she could see the worry in his eyes, and felt the need to soothe him.

"I would be willing to start again as friends, but I do not wish for it to go any further," she finally said, aching to go back to the house.

Arthur was disappointed at her words, but he was glad that she was at least prepared for them to be friends once more. It was enough, enough of a place to start from, "I believe I would like to be friends," Arthur said with a smile.

Gwen felt warmth inside her, one that had been missing for months, from his smile. She found herself smiling back and stood. "Friends," she repeated and walked back to the house with him.

As they reached the door Arthur leaned down and kissed her cheek before leaving. Gwen felt the jolt of his kiss even after he left. _Why have I agreed to be friends_? She asked herself as she entered the house.

A/N: I just started a new job and I am working with a man called Merlin he says any time he gives his name at a shop or for anything he has to show them his driver's license to prove to them it is his name as they don't believe him!


	4. Chapter 4

By the end of the next day, Gwen was convinced of the fact that she wouldn't ever be able to be friends with a man whose every look spoke of his desire for her. She found herself on edge and even the lightest of touches from Arthur's hands sent sparks along her skin.

Despite this, she was able to enjoy Merlin's company, and was happy that Arthur did leave them to talk privately. When the conversation turned to Camelot she discovered that Merlin thought Arthur had come to bring her back to Camelot.

"Merlin, I'm sure that's not his intention. I betrayed him and I deserve his anger. Besides I'm leaving to work in Mercia."

"Gwen, I doubt you'll make it to the border. He didn't just come here to visit my mother, he came to see you."

"Merlin, I've agreed to be friends with Arthur but nothing more. If he'd truly loved me he would've listened to me."

"You don't know what he has been like since you left. He has been so angry and so unhappy, I tried to speak up for you, but he wouldn't even let your name be spoken. He would kill me if he knew I was telling you this, but I want you to understand the depth of his regret and how much he loves you—still loves you."

Oh dear, thought Gwen. She felt truly guilty about the pain she'd caused Arthur and could see the hope in Merlin's eyes, the hope that she'd reunite with Arthur and return to Camelot.

"Arthur and I have spoken, and he has listened to my side of the story, and he even apologized. He wants us to start again, but please believe me when I say that it is not that simple."

Merlin's face showed his disbelief, "he apologized?"

Gwen nodded, and laughed at Merlin's bewilderment.

"He apologized?" he repeated again.

"Yes Merlin, he apologized, and requested we start again but this doesn't change the fact that I'm leaving for Mercia."

"Well, I'm just glad to see you and trust that two of my best friends will be able to work out their problems," he said and wrapped his arms around her in a warm hug to offer her support and comfort, when Arthur walked in.

Arthur, while not surprised to see Merlin hugging Gwen, couldn't help the surge of jealousy that rushed through him, and silently acknowledged that his jealousy was part of the problem in their relationship. He finally managed to speak,

"Is something wrong?"

Gwen pulled out of Merlin's arms and wished that she was leaving for Mercia that instant. With effort she stood and said, "Arthur, Merlin was telling me about Camelot and what has been happening there since I left."

Arthur again felt guilt wash over him and was surprised to find Gwen had slipped her petite hand into his.

"Arthur, you must stop punishing yourself, while I wasn't happy with my banishment, I've always understood your reasons," she said, with reassurance in her voice that calmed him and he could detect the note of truthfulness in her words.

"You are so kind, Guinevere," he said. "You always provide warmth and calm to everyone, but I didn't just come to praise your qualities but to return you back to Hunith, who must be wondering if you're ever going to return."

"Oh yes, as I've spent most of the day walking-_ I'll be away from him if only a little while _"and I need to help at home."

As she tried to pull her hand back, Arthur tightened his grip and it became apparent he intended to keep hold of her. As soon as they were on their way and Merlin had turned to walk back to the inn where Arthur and he were staying, Arthur gave voice to his thoughts.

"Right Guinevere, what were you and Merlin really talking about? You are the worst liar ever, what were you talking about?"

Gwen was reluctant to talk, but knew he would only torment Merlin until he got answers. "We were talking about something else, we were talking about you." She felt him stiffen, and with a quick look at his face showed he didn't like that they'd been talking about him without him present. She placed her hand over his and said, "We were talking about Camelot, but Merlin was telling me how you have been in a particular black mood for the last month. He asked what we'd talked about and I explained that you'd listened to me and even apologized. Merlin was stunned when I told him you'd apologized and I don't think he believed me," she said with a smile.

As she spoke, she saw his annoyance and knew while most of it was directed at Merlin, some of it must be with her, and she tried to withdraw her hand, only to have him pull her closer. She stopped and reminded herself that in two weeks she would be far away from Arthur. But she knew he must visit Mercia from time to time, no it wasn't far enough away. Where else could she go?

Arthur sensing her withdrawal, said, "What are you thinking?"

"About poor Merlin."

"Why poor Merlin?"

"I hate to think how you're going to punish him."

"Well, since he only told you what you already know, I'll let him get away with his outspokenness…this time," he said darkly.

Gwen laughed knowing that Merlin was in fact Arthur's closest friend.

"What is so funny?"

"You and Merlin, you'd never admit it, but he is in fact your closest friend."

"Yes, well, don't tell him, can't have him knowing that." They both fell into silence and Arthur was tracing his thumb over the delicate skin of her hand, and saw the colour rise in her cheeks. It gave him great pleasure to see that he affected her.

Gwen was unsure whether the sensations running through her were pain or pleasure. How could his touch still affect her so strongly when she wanted nothing more than to be as far away from him as possible? She forced herself to relax and not give away how much his touch affected her, even though she suspected he already knew.

They arrived at Hunith's house and Gwen withdrew her hand. "Promise me you won't punish Merlin."

"On one condition," he replied.

Oh no, he's going to ask for something I can't give, she thought. "What condition?" she hesitantly asked.

"That I can see you again tomorrow."

"Of course," she found herself agreeing immediately.

"Thank you," he said and kissed her cheek. The light kiss inflamed her senses, though she hated to admit it.

She felt enormous relief when he left and found herself exhausted not only from the tight rein she'd kept on her emotions but also in the sensations his touch had caused. She entered the house wanting nothing more than to lie on the bed, but as soon as she entered the house Hunith saw her.

"Gwen," she said. "There is a letter from Queen Helen."

Gwen took the letter, hoping it was a request from the Queen to go to Mercia sooner. Her hopes were quickly dashed as she read the letter. Queen Helen no longer needed a lady's maid, but there was a position available in Camelot.

"Camelot," Gwen said with a laugh. She was heartedly disappointed, this had been her chance to start her life over again, but her only chance now was to work in a place where she'd been banished from –the one place she could never return to. Would she never be free of Arthur?

A/N: I didn't like the last episode at all. I'm not going to say anything about it because I don't want to spoil it for people who haven't seen it but why would you put it on Christmas Eve? It was so sad. I did like the reference to Glastonbury Chapel which is also another place you can actually visit. What is the BBC going to replace it with? They are going to have a huge gap in their viewing audience.

Sorry about my rant but I suspect a lot of people will be feeling the same.


End file.
